Couverture Laws: What the Modern Woman Does Not Know: Part Two

 "The child always falls on the mother. Talk all you want the men, at the end of the day it's the mother's responsibility. The dad is only a checkbook that's how society has made it." Marcus Walker-Comment on Facebook

"You sound absolutely ridiculous take accountability that nonsense has played out." Pat Nelson-Response to his comment.

Marcus Walker is under 40 years old standing on a premise that was devised literally hundred of years ago. It will not serve him well as the woman who responded is within his age range and understands the assignment has shifted and is letting him know play time for men is over. 

They have written this blog in a nutshell. But of course, I'm going to write it anyway.

Hopefully, you have read the first blog I wrote where I mentioned I witnessed first hand the damage that patriarchy and couverture has caused. At 15, I decided I wanted a house husband....

I met my husband at Bennigan's Bar and Grill in Evanston, IL. I loved to dance so I was a frequent flyer when it came to dancing on the weekend. I was sitting at a table with a man I did not know. We only spoke to each other, but said nothing further. I looked towards the door and I saw a man who saw me and did what I termed a "Movie double-look." You know the one, where the lead male actor sees the woman of his dreams and does a double head turn her way. He did it, but immediately walked around the dance floor that was in the middle of the room then, came directly to my table. 

"Hey man, may I speak to this lady?"

The man nodded but never looked my way. Because I saw how he looked at me, I got up and went with him. There is no woman in this world who recognized what that look meant would have done any different. That night led to a 30 year relationship that ended when death did us part. The first time he called me I said, "Just let me say; I'm not looking for a boyfriend or fuck buddy. I'm ready to marry."

"Well, I'd like to get to know you first," he said.

I mention this because I have found the direct approach, though it may be off putting for some reveals a person's true intentions. So, when he came to meet me in my home, we didn't sit in the living room we sat at the kitchen table so I could make sure I had his attention. I asked him what his plans were for the future and he lied (I found out later) that he wanted to get into computers. It was 1984, the dawn of the computer age so he was in tune enough to know his response would impress. What he didn't know is I did not care what his plans were to make money as long as they were legal. I wasn't and am not the type of woman who has to have a man who does a certain thing. I just want him to be happy with whatever he is doing. Then, I asked about his childhood and the horror story he told had me transfixed. Hearing that made me want to dig deeper. I asked what kind of father he wanted to be and his response touched me deeply, "I want my children to know I love them."

If I'm honest, I bonded immediately because I wanted the same thing. I never felt loved by my parents loved me. I asked him, "What memories would you want your children to have of you?" His eyes grew wide. I knew it was because of the memories he just shared. He said, "I never thought about it that way."

The rest of the evening we talked about what kind of home life we'd want. I told him straight up I didn't believe that men had particular things they had to do in the household, that I expected a partner and he agreed. 

If you want a "Soft life," don't get married. The soft life folk are talking about has strictly to do with money, who has it and how it is distributed. If the man is tasked with making the money and the woman is allowed not to work outside the home in any form, the soft life quickly turns into a hard row to hoe. I had a soft life not because we had money, but because we had collaboration. I have no complaints when it comes to how the household was run. I made more money than he did throughout the marriage and there were times he didn't bring in any income do to several different circumstances. He was a hands on father who took a third shift job when we had our first child so he could be the caretaker. I cannot recall a single time I had to ask him to "help" me do anything. He cooked, cleaned, helped with homework, etc. During the times he wasn't working, he'd have bath water ready when I came home, we spent an hour daily catching up and making plans. He was present. 

He most definitely had personal problems that sometimes took him away from us, but he was available and emotionally involved. I'm sharing this because I asked for and help create a relationship that paid off for us both. The proof is in the comments our offspring make. They are baffled by the dialog they hear where others complain about not having their needs met within their relationship. They don't understand how folk remain silent when they are hurt or need attention. They grew up with parents who were straightforward with each other. Yes, there was dysfunction in our household, but it was not ignored. It was talked about openly and how it affected the entire family. 

Marriage and relationships are about taking care of each other. There is nothing within a household that both men and women can't do. It's a matter of playing to each others strengths. Marcus Walker stated the responsibility of children falls to the mother, yet I'm sure he's saw a young man on the wrong track and wondered if he had a father. Patriarchy and couverture supports his belief that a woman is accountable for that child and the father is only responsible to provide his bail money. 

No woman should be expecting a man to take care of her as an adult. No man should want to take care of an adult woman. Each should think of themselves as sharing and supporting the one with whom they choose to share their lives. Patriarchy and couverture is out of place yet, the remnants of them have the effect of bad breath, it makes women turn away. The stench is unbearable. It is time for men to clean up their emotional hygiene. Anger, which is their go to emotion, must be replaced with a calm willingness not to reject the feminine within themselves and women. This, I submit is what is keeping men and women from being able to come together. Instead of men being open to understanding where women are coming from, they have chosen to push back angrily when compassion and empathy is the answer.