Love is the Key

 During an early argument with the man who taught me how to love, I yelled, "You don't love me!" "You won't let nobody love you," he yelled back. His words hit me straight to the brain. I immediately wanted to think about what he said and I did. The argument was over and I went into self-examination mode. Was I lovable? Was I capable of allowing myself to beloved? The answer was no. It was no because at the time I did not love myself. I felt deeply that my parents did not love me. They took care of me out of obligation and it was painfully obvious. My mother was more discreet when it came to verbalizing what her actions showed. My father would literally say, "All I owe you is three hots and a cot." In the book, "How to Be an Adult in Relationships," written by psychologist David Richo he says "Most people think of love as a feeling, but love is not so much a feeling as a way of being present." The book delves into the five A...

 I dream almost every night. I often remember the whole dream or bits and pieces. This morning I was awakened by my late husband in a dream that was set in a luxury high rise apartment. He had a child with him who I did not recognize and he was dressed shitty sharp in black and white. The three piece suit's vest was checkered. He had black Fedora on his head and was wearing that alluring smile that captured my heart often.  The dream had lots of moving parts, but the child disappeared and we were alone. Jeffery Osbourne's "Crazy Bout Ya," was playing in the background and my husband was pacing the floor. I wanted to slow dance, but he began talking about the coffee table. "I like that style," he said. I pulled him up and he embraced me for a few minutes, swaying back and forth just enough to draw me in then said, "Do you have to do something this morning?"  I immediately felt this sense of dread. My eyes popped open and it was 6:00 a.m. I sat up in...

I saw a video on Facebook where Dan Rather was interviewing Billy Bob Thornton. Dan asked Billy about his six marriages. Billy said he should have never gotten married that he did so because he was a romantic but mostly a playboy. Dan asked him what was different about the 6th marriage as he has been with this wife for 16 years. Billy Bob said, "I took a look and thought "this" is worth keeping." This was my comment: 'Damn, he got it. Self-centered behavior is what ruins relationships. If you notice he didn't say "she," he said "this." The "this" is the marriage. He finally got it wasn't just about him or the other person but what they built together.' Wanda Johnson Hall  One of the reasons so many relationships collapse is due to self-centered attitudes within the it that refuse to recognize a marriage consists of the two people and the marriage. Part of the reason the marriage is deemed disposable is due to it never re...

  Accountability--is the obligation to accept responsibility for, or to account for, once's actions, decisions and outcomes.  Key Principles of Accountability   Ownership: Taking initiative for actions and outcomes, not just tasks. Answerability: The obligation to explain or justify actions, particularly to stakeholders or superiors. Transparency: Making actions, decisions, and process visible. Consistency: Reliability in following through commitments. Corrective Action: Acknowledging mistakes and taking steps to correct them. Many women have a problem taking personal responsibility for their actions or lack thereof in their intimate relationships. They make choices based on how they feel whether the feelings are correct or not and expect their choices to be accepted. Sometimes even after they are proven incorrect, they still hold on to their responses or actions that led to the discord.  My mother was a champion at this. Her favorite phrase after being proven wrong ...

 It really is true that you don't miss the water til the well runs dry. It took me a while to fully understand what I physically lost when my husband died. It's been 11 years since his death, but it's only been within the last five years that I have understood the depth of his presence in my life. He saw me and he reshaped his life to fit into my life in many ways.  The biggest area he did this reshaping had to do with learning to dance. Music and dancing are an ingrained part of my being. Saying I love to dance is an understatement. My mother loves to tell the story about when my Aunt Maeola came to visit from New York. I was around 6 and playing my records. When she entered the house and spoke to me, I spoke to her, but paid her no other attention as I was intensely into my song. "Wanda, when you have company you should turn your music off." 'Go home then,' I said in only the manner a true Capricorn could. I wasn't being rude. I was being a matter of...

 "In 1987, Vancouver psychologist Doreen Kimura asked, "Are men's and women's brains really different? It would be amazing if men's and women's brains were not different, given the gross morphological and often striking behavioral difference between women and men." Doreen Kimura theorized two separate dimensions when explaining the male and female brain: Language- female superiority Spatial ability- male superiority Simon Baron-Cohen the author of The Essential Difference: The Truth About the Male and Female Brain  does not debunk the validity of language and spatial ability when talking about sex differences but he believes little attention has been given to empathizing and systemizing. He believes women may be better at language because of their empathizing ability and men's stellar spatial abilities because of their natural tendency of systemizing. My Life with a Systemizing Man The man who taught me how to love was truly amazing in many ways one o...

 "Systemizing is the drive to analyze, explore, and construct a system. The systemizer intuitively figures out how things work, or extracts the underlying rules that govern the behavior of a system. This is done to understand and predict the system, or to invent a new one." Simon Barron-Cohen This blog is strictly talking about the average male who tends to naturally systemize more than females. The information is based on statistical averages, therefore there are exceptions to the rule. Systemizing is great if one is determining patterns regarding the inner workings of objects or even the systems that makes the body work. Yet, when it comes to day-to-day social interactions systemizing is all but useless. This fact is one of the reasons "average" males struggle with understanding those who are average empathizers, females. Systemizers who are rule based thinkers find it hard to understand 1 + 2 doesn't always equal 3 when the equation has to do with human behav...

 "Someone who unironically uses the term "patriarchy" to describe western culture doesn't really care or cannot really comprehend/help with male problems, they at best victim blame." Colin Jasper Facebook 'The men who devised this system all those years ago are the blame and have left a useless legacy for the modern man. I know exactly how and why it was started, but it is no longer useful and definitely harmful to relationships between men and women who are both victims." My reply to Mr. Jasper Facebook Mr. Colin Jasper is an INCEL. A young man who believes women have all the power and that men are victims. They blame women for their inability to relate to women and believe only a certain type of male is attractive women. As a matter of fact patriarchy's origins began in Mesopotamia 6000-10,000 years ago. It's worth mentioning the tenets of patriarchy again just so the reader fully understands the importance of the use of the word. Agricultural...

 This blog is going to delve into the psychology behind the male brain.  "The female brain is predominately hard-wired for empathy. The male brain is predominately hard-wired for understanding and building systems." Simon Barron-Cohen Simon Barron-Cohen who is a professor of psychology and psychiatry at Cambridge University and co-director of its Autism Research Centre. He has carried out research into both autism and sex differences over a twenty-year career. He is the author of Autism: The Facts and Mindblindness. According to Barron-Cohen systemizing is the drive to analyze, explore, and construct systems. Let me be clear systemizing and empathizing are non-sex based traits. Both men and women are endowed with both abilities. As it so happens, males overall lean more towards the use of systemizing to understand the world around them. Females are more likely to lead with empathy when connecting with the world.  Those individuals who systemize intuitively determine how t...

 Please understand and believe if women could bear to be empathic towards the fact that men and women both have been lied to when it comes to what it means to be a woman patriarchy could be dismantled. Patriarchy was devised due to the onslaught of agriculture. During that period over 5000 years ago, women were presumed to be helpless and should only concern themselves with childbearing and rearing. Their work should be confined to the home and they didn't need education to do that. Women's emotions and feelings were disregarded and thought to be irrational because men, whose mental make-up naturally causes them to think in systems and logic viewed the female brain as chaotic and random. What is causing the war between men and women is the lack and disregard for the biological and natural differences between men and women.   "The female brain is predominantly hard-wired for empathy. The male brain is predominately hard-wired for understanding and building systems. " S...

 "The child always falls on the mother. Talk all you want the men, at the end of the day it's the mother's responsibility. The dad is only a checkbook that's how society has made it." Marcus Walker-Comment on Facebook "You sound absolutely ridiculous take accountability that nonsense has played out." Pat Nelson-Response to his comment. Marcus Walker is under 40 years old standing on a premise that was devised literally hundred of years ago. It will not serve him well as the woman who responded is within his age range and understands the assignment has shifted and is letting him know play time for men is over.  They have written this blog in a nutshell. But of course, I'm going to write it anyway. Hopefully, you have read the first blog I wrote where I mentioned I witnessed first hand the damage that patriarchy and couverture has caused. At 15, I decided I wanted a house husband.... I met my husband at Bennigan's Bar and Grill in Evanston, IL. I l...

 Part two of "Why Men and Women Are At War," gives a brief history of the origins of patriarchy.  Couverture Laws-was a common-law doctrine in England and the United States where a woman's legal identity was subsumed by her husband's upon marriage, suspending her rights to own, or sue in her own name. Known as feme covert , married women were considered on entity with their husbands. These laws were gradually abolished in the U. S. through 19th-century Married Women's Property Acts, starting in 1839."   The way Couverture Laws impacted women's lives were by abolishing their legal identies. Once a woman got married, she was considered covered by her husband meaning she was rendered not responsible for any act that required legalities. She could not own, sell or manage real estate. Check this out; she could not have money or own clothing without her husband's agreement. Married women could not sue anyone nor could they be sued. There were exceptions if ...

 When I was 15, my mother sat my brother and three sisters down and told us she was no longer doing "everything." She worked 12 hour days as a beautician in our basement and still cooked, did some cleaning, grocery shopped, managed us children, etc. My father was never involved in any of our upbringing besides paying bills and buying food. He did absolutely nothing else. No home repair, no outings unless forced. no sitting at the dinner table unless forced, no interacting with the family unless forced. My mother, as I mentioned earlier lead with her masculinity 75% of the time. She dominated in every arena she walked into. I'm sure there are people who hated seeing her coming. She beat folk down with her will to be right and in charge. She was NEVER wrong and if you proved her wrong she'd say, "Well, whenever you get through with it," you knew that meant she was done with the conversation, but she was still right. A strong, determined woman she was a great e...

 Before I continue on with my story, I am going to provide some information that will help further add context to the story. My parents didn't start the war nor did anyone else who is alive during this present time. The beginning of the war started many, many years ago... Patriarchy -is a social construct where men predominantly wield power. The origins of patriarchy began when the nomadic-hunter and gatherer lifestyle gave way to agriculture. The accumulation of agricultural surplus brought about a need for workers to harvest the land. Land ownership and surplus of food made men wealthy and with that wealth came power. The rise of access to resources led to the oppression of women because they were viewed as not being useful to do the demanding and physical work required. Because of this, women were expected to take on all roles domestic. These roles limited their opportunities and autonomy. The long-lasting perception of women’s lack of value outside of being a wife and mother ...

  I had an experience at the age of 15 that served me well throughout my adult life. It shaped my view of relationships and became the basis for the way I approached relationships with men. My mother was reared with four brothers. If she wanted to do anything she had to hang with them. My grandfather and three of my uncles could have been the blueprint for what has been labeled as "toxic masculinity." My grandmother was pretty much complacent until she wasn't. She stood up to my grandfather who was a horrible alcoholic and most likely a womanizer, but most definitely a free spirit. Both grandparents worked, even though my grandfather could not read. One day I got the mail and handed it to my grandfather who was sitting next to me on the couch. He looked at it then began turning it around and around as though he was contemplating then called to my grandmother who came and took it from him. I questioned the encounter and that is when she told me he could not read. I was sho...

  Locus of Control--the degree to which individuals believe they have power over events in their lives. Locus of control is a psychological concept that was developed by Julian Rotter in 1954. He surmised people determine whether their actions cause the outcome of their lives or whether they believe external forces like other people, luck or fate controls them. The first time I heard of this concept was when I worked at a battered women's shelter. We were told that the battered woman often comes to believe they have no control over their lives after suffering at the hand of their abuser. Slowly, they begin to lose the ability to make decisions or value their own opinion.  Control is something that not only battered women contend with as many of us desire to be in control and often of other people. When I was living with the man who eventually became my, husband I received a check that was to be given to the company I worked for at the time. One day the office manager came to m...