Why Men and Women Are At War: Part Three

 When I was 15, my mother sat my brother and three sisters down and told us she was no longer doing "everything." She worked 12 hour days as a beautician in our basement and still cooked, did some cleaning, grocery shopped, managed us children, etc. My father was never involved in any of our upbringing besides paying bills and buying food. He did absolutely nothing else. No home repair, no outings unless forced. no sitting at the dinner table unless forced, no interacting with the family unless forced.

My mother, as I mentioned earlier lead with her masculinity 75% of the time. She dominated in every arena she walked into. I'm sure there are people who hated seeing her coming. She beat folk down with her will to be right and in charge. She was NEVER wrong and if you proved her wrong she'd say, "Well, whenever you get through with it," you knew that meant she was done with the conversation, but she was still right. A strong, determined woman she was a great example of a bitch, a woman B-eing I-n T-otal C-ontrol of H-erself. She truly manifested her desires. Her belief in herself was evident and consistent. She was the role model for a human doing. Always on the go, always looking for the next hustle, always chasing the ole mighty dollar. 

I'd often say my parents were big fish in a little pond. My father had been a loan shark and pool hall hustler and lady's man. There are five children older than me by women he didn't marry nor hold a long-term relationship with. When he met my mother, he had a new Cadillac, but didn't have a nine to five. He was living with his mother. He picked my mother up at a bus stop where she was waiting to go to Beauty College. She assumed incorrectly about his lifestyle because of what he was driving. They began seeing each other and she got pregnant with me. Many folk want to believe their parents were "in love," but I am more inclined to believe many marriages came about due to pregnancy as mine did. So, these two people who barely knew each other married and set about the business of making and rearing a family. 15 years later they find themselves embroiled in a battle of the sexes. 

We could only assume my mother had already informed my father of this new normal. We were sure she did when she moved from her marital bed to the bedroom in the basement. An emotional divorce is when a couple separates from each other within the marital home. Then came the arguments. My mother's position was she wasn't going to work all day and still have to do everything that comes with taking care of the home and children. My father's response was he is doing all that he is supposed to do and that was pay the mortgage, pay utilities and buy food. Neither waivered; the war was on. 

It recently occurred to me if my mother was aware of the Women's Movement that was going on at the time. Her timing was perfect in hindsight. She didn't watch TV, listen to the radio or read the newspaper so if she did know about it her clients who frequented her beauty shop had to tell her. However she got the message, she carried it out with precision. She did nothing other than work which my father kept reminding her that she did not have to do as he made enough money to take care of the family. She was disgusted by his suggestion that he would take care of her. "I make my own money," was her mantra.  She denied he did anything for her, even though none of her income went towards the mortgage, utilities or food. She saw paying these things as "his" duty. This is where the irony comes in. Although she beat her chest claiming to be an independent woman, she did not recognize she held a dual expectation of independence and dependence. She did'nt recognize how patriarchy had shaped at they least a part of her belief in what role a man should play in her life and it had to do with money.

At 15, I understood the tenets of patriarchy through the dynamics that were unfolding in front of my eyes. My mother was independent by nature. She had a strong work ethic and deep desire to achieve, learn and produce. My father was steeped in belief that a man is only mandated to provide shelter and food. His responsibility began and ended there. Isn't it astonishing that in this day and age, with all the advancements and changes that have happened that men and women are STILL fighting over who does what, who pays what and who is in charge? The reason this is so is because both men and women do not fully understand the root of the cause which are the tenets of patriarchy that are no longer relevant. They truly have no place in modern times. Women are not helpless creatures only good for bearing children and keeping the home fires burning. Men are more than money making machines and mindless bodies who follow their basic instincts, but deserve grace because they worked hard all day. The only way things will change is if men and women focus on dismantling the negative aspects of patriarchy that has infected both sexes. 

Women are not aware that they have been shaped by patriarchy just as much as men. My mother helped me understand this. At 15, I realized the contradiction in her beliefs. On one hand, she believed she was an independent being and that my father did nothing for her because she made her on money. Yet, she argued he was supposed to pay all the bills and that she should be able to do what she wanted with her money, but not contribute to the household. My father would tell her she was crazy for wanting to work when he could take care of her. He wanted her to quit working.  This battle provided a source of balance for me. I understood the true assignment within a marriage. We are to take care of each other. Any other way causes conflict that is not conducive to having a happy home. Relationships are partnerships, especially a marriage. Each one plays to their strengths and supports the other in the areas they lack. 

The reason men and women are at war is because they are fighting the wrong enemy. Patriarchy has to be taken down if we are to come together and truly make our houses; homes.