The Male Brain: Empathizing

 "In 1987, Vancouver psychologist Doreen Kimura asked, "Are men's and women's brains really different? It would be amazing if men's and women's brains were not different, given the gross morphological and often striking behavioral difference between women and men."

Doreen Kimura theorized two separate dimensions when explaining the male and female brain:

Language- female superiority

Spatial ability- male superiority

Simon Baron-Cohen the author of The Essential Difference: The Truth About the Male and Female Brain does not debunk the validity of language and spatial ability when talking about sex differences but he believes little attention has been given to empathizing and systemizing. He believes women may be better at language because of their empathizing ability and men's stellar spatial abilities because of their natural tendency of systemizing.

My Life with a Systemizing Man

The man who taught me how to love was truly amazing in many ways one of them being his ability to display empathy. Ironically, I contribute his development of this ability from witnessing his mother suffer abuse and the time he spent in the penitentiary. Folk often wonder why some women will marry a man who is locked up. One major reason is they learn to develop their emotional side. They listen and determine what the woman needs emotionally and provides it through letters and phone calls.

The man who taught me how to love was no exception. Although I met him after a four year stint, he clearly had developed an awareness of what a woman needs at her core. During one of our first of many "deep" conversations he revealed he believed God was a woman and that he thought women should be revered. Yet, the first time we had a major argument because I told him no, he stomped out of the door stating, "You're a mere woman."

That was the first time I recognized the duality in his thinking regarding women. We were wonderful as long as he was getting what he wanted, but the moment of refusal reduced us to a "mere woman." Needless to say, the next time I saw him I let him know his desire to diminish me didn't work. Mere or not; I'm just as much a woman as he is a man. That phrase stumped him and he asked me to explain. I told him we each come here with our own purpose and a man can't realistically tell a woman how to be a woman and vice versa. He never said that to me again, nor did he treat me like I was less than because I was a woman.

He was a true systemizing man as he could simply look at something and figure out how to make it fit or how to take it apart. He was great with numbers so much so when he took a test for a job he got a 98 the first time. The owners of the company called him and told him, "In the history of the company, no one had gotten a 98" the first time taking the test. They demanded he take it again and he got 100%. 

He liked being gone and that took some understanding on my part. It wasn't until I read Sharazad Ali's book The Blackman's Guide to Understanding the Blackwoman and she put into context by explaining the historical nature of the male species that I sort of accepted his wanderlust. I really understood when my circle of friends complained of the same thing that I realized there is no way that something is wrong with my man when so many are doing the same thing. That is when I began reading books written by men about men and found they have a desire for space, to spend time with other males, etc. 

What I couldn't relate to were my friend's complaints about their men not being interested in them, not listening, not cleaning up after themselves, expecting them to cook ALL THE TIME, etc., etc. I did not experience those things. He got to know me and studied my facial expressions and monitored my moods. He was so into me that it was him who told me how I change right before I was began my period. I wasn't in tune with my cycle or my feelings but he had become a student of Wanda. I was in my 30's and yes, I was embarrassed. 

When it came to our children, I cannot remember a time I had to ask him to do anything for them. I mentioned in a previous blog the conversation that challenged his thinking that led him to believe just because I was a woman that I should be domesticated. After we discussed it, he didn't expect me to clean like he would. I would join him once he started, but I rarely initiated doing housework.

What kept me locked in with him was everything above, but it was his ability to be a mirror for what is termed, "red flags" he saw me waving. I was one of those people who always wanted to be right. I didn't think I knew everything, but if I did know it and someone challenged me the fight was on. I lacked compassion, humility and the ability to hear once I was pissed. Before we go married, I had zero tolerance for any bullshit and would put him out. I held grudges and gave him the silent treatment. I talked to him crazy, called him names with no remorse. He would say, "You don't treat strangers like this." 

I didn't react this way for no reason. Part of the reason I performed this way was due to how I saw the women in my life respond to the men in their lives. The other part was lack of control over my emotions. I had to learn that yes, he did something to upset or disrespect or crossed a boundary, but if I wanted to be in the relationship I had to have control over how I dealt with conflict. 

He never gave up on me. He wasn't one to yell, but he didn't mind a good argument. Most of the time he'd just walk away. It wasn't until I realized my being right; got me left that I truly examined myself and began to make changes. His level of empathy was so strong that when I made the shift he recognized and said, "You've changed." 

Empathy- ability to understand, share and vicariously experience the emotions, thoughts, and experiences of another person, often described as "stepping into their shoes". It combines cognitive perspective-taking (understanding) with emotional resonance (feeling with them) to foster a connection and compassion.

Systemizing cannot be the only way one moves through the world. Without empathy the world and relationships can be hard to navigate. Patriarchy has done the male population a disservice as it teaches men to do none of the above. It tells them to be strong and silent; it tells them women are limited in their usefulness. It gives them permission not to listen, not to participate in the home other than providing money and protection. Until men develop their ability to empathize, they will not have the lives they desire. Women need emotional support to feel protected because empathizing is how they approach the world.