Locus of Control

 Locus of Control--the degree to which individuals believe they have power over events in their lives.

Locus of control is a psychological concept that was developed by Julian Rotter in 1954. He surmised people determine whether their actions cause the outcome of their lives or whether they believe external forces like other people, luck or fate controls them.

The first time I heard of this concept was when I worked at a battered women's shelter. We were told that the battered woman often comes to believe they have no control over their lives after suffering at the hand of their abuser. Slowly, they begin to lose the ability to make decisions or value their own opinion. 

Control is something that not only battered women contend with as many of us desire to be in control and often of other people. When I was living with the man who eventually became my, husband I received a check that was to be given to the company I worked for at the time. One day the office manager came to me asking if I had gotten the check and I told her I had not. She did some investigating and found that the man in my life had intercepted the check and cashed it without telling me. I have never experienced the level of anger I had towards him. He had never seen me so angry and actually looked frightened as I lashed him with my tongue calling him every name I could think of in between crying jags. I put him out.

What happened next scared me. For seven days straight, I dreamed of killing him in a different way each night. The dreams were so intense I could feel myself completing the actions often waking up in a rage. The next Monday I called the 5th floor at Evanston Hospital which was the Psyche Unit.

Me: 'Good morning, I need to make an appointment to see a therapist.'

Intake Person: "Can you tell me why you think you need help?"

Me: 'My boyfriend stole a check that belonged to my job, spent all of it and didn't tell me. My boss found out and confronted me about it. The day I found out I confronted him and verbally lambasted him but never once thought of putting my hands on him. Yet, over the last seven days I have had vivid dreams of killing him. Each night was a different way. I would wake up in a panic, but felt no remorse. I wanted him dead. I'm not a violent person, but these dreams have consumed me. I need to work this through anger. I know this cannot continue.'

Intake Person: "Ma'am, I've done this for 25 years and I have never had someone call and give such a perfect example of why they are seeking help. Most people don't know themselves well enough to know what is wrong."

I went to therapy religiously and the more I dealt with the core issue the better I began to feel. You guessed it; I was upset because I could not control the outcome. I was upset that I didn't know and couldn't stop it from happening. As the therapy continued, I called my therapist several times in a panic. One major break in my understanding came during a phone call where I was livid because he wasn't doing something I wanted him to do. She listened; then asked, "Wanda, is anyone dead, are your children hurt or is the house on fire?" 

I began to feel silly because I knew where her line of questioning was going. I was in an uproar because I couldn't control his actions, once again. I calmed down immediately and she said, "Talk to you next week." 

Control-- People who have a strong "internal locus" trust that their successes and failures are a byproduct of their actions, abilities and efforts. These people are proactive, confident and motivated willing to take full responsibility for whether they win or lose in life. Those who have an external locus believe forces outside themselves like powerful other people, luck, chance or fate control their lives. They believe they have very little effect over the outcome of what happens to them.

So many people suffer because they want control outside of themselves. They take themselves through immense agony which is ultimately a waste of time. We can only control ourselves. No one who thinks they have control over another, even their children will ever truly be happy. Our true happiness depends on our ability to detach from the expectation of what others should, could or would do. Detachment doesn't mean one doesn't care. It means one accepts that ultimately each of us makes our own choices good or bad; right or wrong. Acceptance null and voids the desire to control. Acceptance is beautiful and such a wonderful tool to use to relinquish responsibility that isn't ours in the first place. 

Is seeking to control others ruining your relationships?  

What say you?