The Other Shoe

 I dream almost every night. I often remember the whole dream or bits and pieces. This morning I was awakened by my late husband in a dream that was set in a luxury high rise apartment. He had a child with him who I did not recognize and he was dressed shitty sharp in black and white. The three piece suit's vest was checkered. He had black Fedora on his head and was wearing that alluring smile that captured my heart often. 

The dream had lots of moving parts, but the child disappeared and we were alone. Jeffery Osbourne's "Crazy Bout Ya," was playing in the background and my husband was pacing the floor. I wanted to slow dance, but he began talking about the coffee table. "I like that style," he said. I pulled him up and he embraced me for a few minutes, swaying back and forth just enough to draw me in then said, "Do you have to do something this morning?" 

I immediately felt this sense of dread. My eyes popped open and it was 6:00 a.m. I sat up in the bed and the first thing that popped in my head was the word "angst." I was shocked because I cannot ever remember using that word other than reading it. 

Angst--is a deep feeling of anxiety, apprehension, insecurity, or dread, often regarding the human condition, personal choices, or general unhappiness. Originating from German, it describes a "generalized" or "unfocused" worry rather than fear of a specific threat. 

Wow, I had a huge epiphany immediately. I sat on side of the bed with my mouth hanging open. It was angst all the time that I experienced throughout my entire relationship with him. He was the definition of a free spirit. It was unfortunate he was a petty criminal and bad at it. Nigga couldn't go wrong right. He was recruited by an older grifter in his early teens that taught him the life of a thief. Sadly, he'd often brag about getting away with his crimes more than getting caught. He found that life thrilling, but when he met me he saw he could have and be something different if he so chose. So, he played a role and I was his cast mate. I provided him the opportunity to experience and create a semblance of the family life he craved, but the streets had a hold on him. 

This dream I had came to me to remind me that I didn't really have a husband. I had a husband impersonator. This is why he was good at what he was good at. It was all intentional. Some of it was genuine but most of it was to keep me. He discovered what I needed and provided it as much as he could. We had moments of deep connection only for him to go out and do something stupid to go to jail. I began to understand the closer and more intimate we got he would sabotage it. 

This morning's dream came to me to help me realize I was never truly safe in my relationship with him and it was because he was never safe within himself. He was driven to self-destruction and ultimately did destroy his life. 

Yet, somehow his attempts to love me were enough for me to learn to love myself. His ability to help me see where I needed to be better made me want to be better. I grew under his facade of being a man, leader, a husband, a lover. Once I understood the benefit of being in the marriage, I became determined to see it through. Throughout our years together I remember feeling guilty because I was getting more out of the marriage than he. Unconditionally loving him made loving him easier. I stopped judging, hoping, wishing and just loved him. 

When he became seriously ill and I would tend to him, holding the pale while he vomited, wrapping his wounds, putting him in and getting him out of the tube, taking him to the doctor, spending hours with him in the hospital, watching him die, I realized how real and gut level my love and appreciation for him had gotten. I didn't clean up my children's vomit, but I'd run to his aid. I knew what he had done for me and I wanted to take care of him until his last days.

This morning, almost 11 years after his death, I awaken to the reality that I had become so skillful at coping that I didn't recognize the angst I was experiencing on a daily basis. I contribute this awakening to retiring from the rat race. Not having any distractions has created a space for me to truly just sit with me. I'm not surprised a dream about him would be the catalyst for this realization. It's his way of letting me know I'm truly free. He's still changing my life even in death.