Woman, Are You Lovable?

 During an early argument with the man who taught me how to love, I yelled, "You don't love me!"

"You won't let nobody love you," he yelled back.

His words hit me straight to the brain. I immediately wanted to think about what he said and I did. The argument was over and I went into self-examination mode. Was I lovable? Was I capable of allowing myself to beloved? The answer was no. It was no because at the time I did not love myself. I felt deeply that my parents did not love me. They took care of me out of obligation and it was painfully obvious. My mother was more discreet when it came to verbalizing what her actions showed. My father would literally say, "All I owe you is three hots and a cot."

In the book, "How to Be an Adult in Relationships," written by psychologist David Richo he says "Most people think of love as a feeling, but love is not so much a feeling as a way of being present." The book delves into the five A's: attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection and allowing.

During my childhood, I received none of the five A's in my home. If I got any attention, it was negative. People think self-esteem comes from within, but it is the byproduct of how those outside you viewed you and what they told you about yourself. Not many people are naturally confident or have a high opinion of themselves. These aspects are cultivated throughout their formative years. The only time I was affirmed regarding my self-worth was when I was away from my house. 

My Aunt Trudell recently died. When I got the information, one of my first thoughts was how I loved going to her house during the summer because she and my Uncle Tom treated me like a was worthy of their time and attention. I received the five A's when I was in their presence. I came alive and felt free to be who I felt I was on the inside. Still, I had to return to an environment of negativity and dismissive encounters. 

So, when I met the man who taught me how to love, I was broken, depressed and sad. I wanted to be loved, but I had no idea of how to allow myself to be loved. I just knew what love wasn't. I had no idea of what it was, "a way of being present."

I did not understand his presence and interest in me was an expression of love. As we grew towards each other and began to experience the five A's, I began to understand what it meant to love unconditionally. 

The Five A's

Attention--means the focus is on us. One is sensitive to our needs and acknowledges our feelings.

Acceptance--means we appreciate the person for who they are and as they are with understanding and respect.

Appreciation--valuing a persons uniqueness. Fully accepting where they are and their potential. Appreciation is encouragement and wanting the best for you because they deem you worthy.

Affection--David Richo stated, "Love cannot be defined in a universal way because our experience of love is ours alone." When I think of the need for affection, especially physical affection, I think about the fact we all were held tightly in a warm womb for nine months. Of course, we would have a deep desire for physical touch. We also desire to be caressed by warm words and thoughtful gestures. We need deep hugs and to see the light in someone's eyes who says they love us. 

Allowing--another to be free to be who they are and accepting they must be able to express themselves. We need support to express our inherent freedom to pursue our desires, needs and wishes. Allowing another to pursue what they believe is right for them is one of the greatest acts of love.

Woman, are you lovable? Have you ever asked yourself that question or do you just assume you are? I'm just going to be real if you have been neglected, abandoned, unable to utilize your voice, it may be hard for you to accept the love of another and it may be because you have not learned to love yourself.