Why Are You Single?

 I have literally been on dating sites on and off for over ten years. I go out to dance almost every Friday or Saturday or both and I have scores of people who know I'm single and open to meeting and engaging with a man, yet I'm still single.

When the men ask me why I'm single, I know it is solely based on my appearance and that's cool, you want your potential mate to be attracted to you. Yet, when I'm asked that question, there is an uncomfortable feeling I get each time I hear it. I'm single because I haven't met anyone who I have connected with on a level that has allowed us to move forward. I met a man almost three years ago on BLK. We talked for five hours. At the end of the conversation I said, 'I really enjoyed talking with you with you.' He replied, "Wait a minute; you sound like you're not going to talk to me again."

He picked up on the right vibe. We had a ball during the conversation. He was extremely comfortable with sharing some very intimate moments and we laughed a lot. During the conversation, he began to look for flights to come here. I was thinking to myself, 'Don't waste your money.'

The reason I wasn't interested in him is he hates women and didn't realize it. He referred to women as "bitches" with ease, even though he was talking to one. He became hypervigilant when I disagreed with his conspiracy theories and boy did have many. He and I agreed during that call that we would be friends and we have become great friends and talk frequently. He says I'm a great listener and I come across authentic. He's right and what I heard was enough to know he and I would not be a match.

I'm single because I have found folk claim to want a woman who is confident, "real," knows what she wants, etc. It's a lie. I'm all that and more, but once they find out I'm really like that, they move on or I do. Men are used to wishy washy women who are more likely to sway towards whatever the man wants to get them. That's not me and never has been. I make no adjustments in the way I respond in social situations to try to draw a man to me. They get the version of me that will be present the majority of the time. Many men are not used to that. I let them know during the first conversation "how it is and how it will most likely be." I'm going to be direct, open to receiving information, but always reserving the right to reject it. 

I'm also single because the peace, serenity and joy I experience on a daily basis has become so comfortable that I refuse to relinquish any of it. Even good relationships require work and I'm truly on the fence when it comes to whether I'm willing to sacrifice any of what I've gained during my time alone. I recently met a man I really like. I think of him daily, but he wants to get married. When he said, "When we get married, you won't have to change your name. My last name is Johnson too," I immediately told him I didn't want to get married. He cut off all communication and I'm cool with that because I respect he knows what he wants, even though I sorta wished he'd at least be open to conversation. 

I'm single because I'm really good. I miss a lot of what comes with having a man in one's life, but I question whether the fact I have to share myself is worth it. I love, love, love the me I have become. Being able to do what I want, when I want and how I want is an amazing feeling. Only being single gives you this opportunity. As each day passes, I'm leaning more towards not involving myself with anyone on an intimate level. There is another man who is much younger than I who I adore, but we are unable to communicate effectively. He has some trauma he is unwilling to face and I trigger him. I trigger almost everyone I meet on some level. Whether it's beneficial to them or not, I rarely know in the moment.

There is another man who I've known for a very long time. I remember telling him in 1997 that we would be together in 30 years. He became a free man, but chose someone else. He did so because he claims to be "scared of me." He truly is; he's scared because he knows he's not the man he needs to be to have me in his life. I get it and I'm glad because he has shown himself to be unwilling to grow and that's just not cool. Still, he'll always have a place in my heart but never in my bed.

So, there it is; the answer to why I'm single. It's my choice. I have listed four men who would take in me a nanosecond if I relented. Nah, I'm good. I'd have to give up too much just to have a man in my life. No one has proven they will allow me to be me and that's is the only condition I have to be in a relationship.